Sublime Awesomeness

Amusing Email Conveys Mixed Messages

2011-11-02T11:39:00.000-07:00

I received an email today from Save The Internet.com. I originally opted in to their mailing list after learning about the whole net neutrality issue. At the time, I remember reading about how major Internet service providers were supposedly petitioning the government to pass regulations that would allow them to exert undue influence over people's access to certain websites. I think I even signed a petition and emailed my representatives.

Since that time, I've completely shunned my civic responsibility by promptly deleting all subsequent emails. I would feel guilty, but with the current state of affairs in general I think that the "hit rock bottom, riot in the streets, launch nukes, hit reset button on society" plan is probably the best way forward. As such, I'm doing my part by allowing the last few acts of exploitation to take place until society gets that last nudge over the edge and the B.Y.O.AK-47 party commences.

Anyway, this particular email was entitled, simply, "Bieber". Some love him, some post comments about how they hate him on every other music video on YouTube, but it seems that no one can ignore Justin Bieber, including me.

The email opened with the following questionable assertion:

Justin Bieber is pissed off about Internet censorship and you should be, too.

I say "questionable" because my first reaction upon hearing that Justin Bieber opposes something is to support it. The email went on to talk about the "Stop Online Piracy Act" or "SOPA" and included some ACTUAL BIEBER QUOTES:

Bieber called SOPA "ridiculous." He added that "people need to have the freedom... to sing songs," and that any member of Congress who supports this bill "needs to be locked up — put away in cuffs."
We’re not so sure about the handcuffs. But at the very least Congress should kill this bill.

By the way, the bold type was theirs. Overall, I felt the email was ineffective and that it sent conflicting messages. First of all, telling people that Bieber is pissed about something is likely to make the majority of people embrace whatever that something is short of cannibalism or rational thought. Secondly, they tell me that I should join Bieber in being pissed, but after the only quote of Bieber raging they include a bold disclaimer intended to mitigate the severity of his comments.

There is one positive thing I took away from the email though. Bieber is pissed, and that's something we can all appreciate.

News of the Day

2011-05-31T04:32:00.000-07:00

First, a director sympathized with Hitler in Cannes. Then, a dog nursed baby ligers in a Chinese zoo. Now, in a bizarre instance of synchronicity, a new book reveals that Nazi scientists tried to create an army of talking dogs.

Among his other brilliant initiatives, Hitler opened a number of “animal talking schools” so that dogs could be taught to read, write and speak. Here is an excerpt from a Time article detailing some of the supposed accomplishments of the canine pupils:

An Airedale terrier named Rolf became a mythic figure of the project after teachers said he could spell by tapping his paw on a board (the number of taps represented the various letters of the alphabet). With that skill in hand, he mused on religion, learned foreign languages and even asked a noblewoman, "Can you wag your tail?” Perhaps most outlandish is the claim by his German masters that he asked to serve in the German army because he disliked the French. Another mutt barked "Mein Fuhrer" when asked to describe Hitler. And Don, a German pointer, is said to have imitated a human voice to bark, "Hungry! Give me cakes!" in German.

With respect to the late Terence McKenna, I think these events signified the end of Timewave Zero. As if this dog school business wasn’t enough, the article keeps shelling the reader with mind bombs (yes, mind bombs):

Germany's love of dogs may have blinded the Nazis to the outlandish goals of their project. "Part of the Nazi philosophy was that there was a strong bond between humans and nature. They believed a good Nazi should be an animal friend," Bondeson says. "Indeed, when they started interning Jews, the newspapers were flooded with outraged letters from Germans wondering what had happened to the pets they left behind."

I’ve heard of people liking their dog more than their neighbor, but this just takes the concept of animal favoritism to absurd extremes. It seems the Nazis were kind of like a twisted version of PETA on steroids, although some would argue that no qualifiers are necessary in that comparison.

In its conclusion, the article blasts the reader in the face with a final bizarre factoid:

Hitler, a well-known dog-lover, had two German Shepherds named Blondi and Bella. He killed Blondi shortly before killing himself in 1945.

Question of the Day

2011-05-24T18:37:00.000-07:00

A dog is nursing two liger cubs in a Chinese zoo. So, what is the most notable part of this story?

a) Cross-species breeding
b) Cross-species nursing
c) Ligers getting along with dog
d) Chinese getting along with dog

BBC News: Liger cubs nursed by dog in China's Xixiakou Zoo

News of the Day

2011-05-22T19:07:00.000-07:00

I recently spotted an interesting ~~blatant lie~~ marketing strategy. I’m not a marketing expert, but I think that the message of “get this or die” lacks subtlety.

News of the Day

2011-05-20T05:26:00.000-07:00

An analysis of Lars Von Trier’s “controversial” press conference remarks

"I hope you enjoy my film. I will now discuss my thoughts on Adolf Hitler in a lengthy and incoherent tangent - is that a problem?"

Lars Von Trier recently caused an uproar at the Cannes film festival because of statements he made during a press conference. In this post, I will analyze some key statements in an effort to discover the source of the controversy.

“I really wanted to be a Jew and then I found out that I was really a Nazi, you know, because my family was German.”

Von Trier references the fact that all Germans are Nazis. Nothing controversial yet.

“What can I say, I understand Hitler.”

Proverbs 10:13 says, “Wisdom is found on the lips of him who has understanding, But a rod is for the back of him who is devoid of understanding.” Clearly, Mr. Von Trier is a wise man. Understanding is a positive trait that should be commended, not condemned.

“I think he did some wrong things, but I can see him sitting in his bunker.”

I totally agree with Von Trier here. The fact of the matter is that people sometimes do wrong things. Cursing in traffic, cheating on a boyfriend or girlfriend, starting a world war and systematically murdering millions of innocent people - these examples serve as reminders that people make mistakes.

As for the second part of the statement, I can also see Hitler sitting in his bunker. With so many Downfall parodies gracing the Internet in recent history, I doubt anyone would have a problem imagining this scene.

[Kirsten Dunst laughs uncomfortably] “There will come a point at the end of this.”

This quote is impressive because it suggests that Von Trier may have some precognitive abilities. While he never really arrived at a cogent point in his speech, there was a significant event after the press conference in which organizers banned Von Trier from the Cannes film festival. But still I wonder, why?

“I understand much about him and I sympathize with him a little bit.”

This quote appears controversial at first glance, but upon closer inspection it really isn’t. Von Trier says that he sympathizes with Hitler a little bit. Certainly, at some point in his life, Hitler caught a cold. We all know how annoying it is to suffer through congestion, a runny nose and constant sneezing. Therefore, we can all sympathize with Hitler a little bit.

“I am of course very much for Jews, no not too much because Israel is a pain in the ass.”

I must admit that this quote was a little strange in that there was literally no pause in between “I am of course very much for jews” and “no not too much”. Ultimately however, the quote highlights the obvious point that if one disagrees with the policies of the Israeli government, one must discriminate against all Jews. Like Von Trier’s earlier reminder that all Germans are Nazis, this is simply a statement of fact.

“Ok, I’m a Nazi.”

Another quote that appears controversial, but is at best ambiguous. Remember, Oskar Schindler was a Nazi so clearly not all Nazis are bad. Further questioning would be required to really understand what Von Trier is trying to convey in this highly ambiguous and abstruse statement.

So there you have it, Lars Von Trier’s “controversial” press conference. If anyone figures out what all the fuss was about, please let me know.

Von Trier 'persona non grata' at Cannes after Nazi row

Question of the Day

2011-05-19T04:20:00.000-07:00

Who's on the line?

a) Chiquita Corporation
b) Bananarama
c) Monkey Mafia
d) Pants thieves asking for ransom

Josh Baskin Studios

News of the Day

2011-05-18T04:52:00.000-07:00

Giant step forward in frog evolution...

Show

...psychedelic visuals without the licking!

National Geographic: See-Through Frog

Question of the Day

2011-05-17T20:32:00.000-07:00

Homoerotic fiction or someone taking the Internet way too seriously?

BBC News: Seal Whiskers Sense Fattest Fish...

2011-05-12T06:16:00.000-07:00

According to an article from BBC Earth News, seals can track and identify the size of fish using only their whiskers.

"Hai"

In related news, the US Department of the Interior has hired Wilford Brimley* as a consultant on the migratory patterns of salmon.

*mandatory note: Beetus

BBC Making Liberal Use of Quotes in Headlines

2011-05-10T08:17:00.000-07:00

As I was browsing the BBC News headlines, I noticed that many of them included quotations. The following examples constitute my effort to make sense of this odd phenomenon.

Probe after ‘kiwi’ found in Russia

The term ‘kiwi’ <---(legitimate use of quotes) can refer to a bird, a fruit or a person from New Zealand. With quotes added, the meaning of the term becomes virtually inscrutable. Perhaps someone glued lint to a lime. Then again, it may have been a Russian doing a horrendous impression of a New Zealand accent. If referring to a bird, the reporter may have been praising or criticizing a chicken. It’s impossible to know which is the case because I don’t know whether ‘kiwi’ is a complement or a pejorative in the avian world.

France football quota talk ‘not illegal’

Whatever is meant here, it must be the opposite of ‘not legal’, which simply translates to ‘legal’. However, when someone employs quotations in discussing legal matters, it usually suggests that the topic in question is actually illegal.

Example: Invest your money with Drug Bribery Murder Capital and receive a guaranteed 100% return on investment in under a month! All of our operations are completely ‘legal’!

Therefore, it would seem that ‘legal’ refers to something that is, in fact, illegal. But does the same rule hold true for ‘not illegal’? This one is very confusing, but I have one theory on what it could mean. Perhaps the reporter didn’t understand French and therefore didn’t know what to write in the article. Drawing on her resourceful nature, the reporter crafted an article full of ambiguous terms, double negatives and quotes to produce a piece that made no discernible points in an effort to mask her ignorance.

The headlines in question

Japan ‘to review energy policy’

This one is a real accomplishment. If the quotations extended one more word the entire headline would apparently be ironic. As it is, the mention of Japan is the only concrete element.

So, what is Japan actually doing? My top three guesses are playing video games, sumo wrestling or shooting a game show that will blow my mind no less than five times when I eventually watch it.

Egypt tourism minister ‘jailed’

They’re talking about the tourism minister, so maybe this has to do with some kind of tourism promotion.

Possibility #1: A brochure features an image of the tourism minister behind bars along with a photo of the pyramids. A message reads, “Come to Egypt and see a real pyramid scheme!”

I made an 'effort' to create a conceptual image.

Possibility #2: The tourism minister appears in a TV commercial promoting Egypt as a tourist destination. The minister exclaims, “This is the perfect time to visit Egypt. Travel and lodging rates are so low, they are illegal under Sharia law!” The commercial ends with members of the Muslim Brotherhood apprehending the minister and throwing him in prison.

Tanks ‘near’ restive Syria city

This one is peculiar in that it couldn’t be more straightforward, yet quotes still appear. Upon further inspection, it is really an ingenious headline in that it protects the reporter from making an error. ‘Near’ is a relative term. We know for a fact that tanks exist and we also know that Syria exists and that it contains cities.

If tanks are on the border of a Syrian city, everyone would agree that the tanks are near the city. However, what about tanks located in the United States? Are they near a Syrian city? Relative to their distance from Mars, yes. Therefore, there will always be tanks near a Syrian city in some sense for the foreseeable future.

"Bog Girl" A Bizarre Approximation of Juno's Baby as a Teenager

2011-02-03T23:42:00.000-08:00

Ancient Bog Girl's Face Reconstructed

Sublime Awesomeness Identified by Another User of the Interwebs

2011-01-16T14:30:00.000-08:00

No, this doesn’t mean that someone found my blog. Rather, another user of the Internet has identified the quality of sublime awesomeness. I discovered this in a post entitled “the sublime awesomeness of Tamil action” from a blog called Our Delhi Struggle.

You can read the post for yourself, but basically it discusses a certain genre of Indian action cinema and provides some sample clips. Mere seconds after clicking on the first clip, I recognized that I was witnessing something amazing.

It was a singular experience, to say the least. An alchemy of invigorating music, strange camera techniques, amusing facial expressions, bold sound effects and mustaches. In short, it was a transcendent burst of enlightenment sustained over a period of approximately two minutes (nearly four minutes counting the second clip).

Everyone is familiar with the image of the old wise man on the mountaintop. The traveler in search of wisdom climbs the mountain and asks, “What is the meaning of life?” While a rational answer seems eternally elusive, suppose the old man answered with a video clip. By definition the clip would defy explanation, but if you had to describe it, only one term would suffice...

Sublime Awesomeness

Bizarre Set Up Fail

2011-01-14T23:35:00.000-08:00

In a breaking story from the agency covering the news that matters (TMZ), it appears that two rando paparazzi attempted to set up Gary Busey and failed hilariously.

Part one goes like this: randos call the cops and tell them that Busey is driving drunk. The cops then pull Busey over and determine that he is “perfectly sober”.

Judging by this fact, it is fairly evident that these people didn’t have good information. Apparently, they were just hoping that, at any given time, there is a significant chance that Gary Busey is driving drunk (which doesn’t sound that crazy now that I think about it).

Anyway, after the cops pulled Busey over, the paparazzi couple started taking pictures of the incident, the cops told them to stop, they didn’t and the cops arrested them for obstruction. Awesomely, the woman was also charged with possession of marijuana.

In conclusion, this story has an insightful and penetrating moral: if you make the wrong decision at every possible turn, something bad might happen. In other extremely important news, Martha Stewart was head-butted by her dog.

Scientists Attempt to Foist More Tomfoolery Upon The General Public

2011-01-13T02:54:00.000-08:00

In a previous post entitled The Milky Way is Blowing Bubbles, I explored the possibility that the scientific community at large, fueled by its collective megalomaniacal nerd-zeal, is proposing arbitrary and completely outlandish theories. While I already identified this proposition as nearly self-evident at the time, the supporting evidence is now piling up so high that to reject the assertion would be tantamount to rejecting a 6,000 year old earth.

I recently read a National Geographic headline proclaiming that a “glowing, green space blob [is] forming new stars”. I expected no less from these insufferable poindexters. In fact, as I read the article, it became apparent that I had actually set my expectations far too high.

It seems that this “green space blob” was “discovered” by a Dutch teacher. Anyone questioning my incredulity regarding this “discovery” would do well to note that the entire Dutch existence consists largely of fumbling around in a green haze. As such, it is clear that relating a few moments of this experience does not equate to a genuine discovery and it certainly doesn’t provide any evidence that a monster from a 50’s horror film is crapping out stars in some God-forsaken corner of the universe.

The addition of the color green appears to be the only

creative embellishment attempted by the scientists.

While the ridiculous claim of a new discovery seemed par for the course, the details are disappointing. First, the scientists said that “something” was blowing bubbles from the core of the Milky Way and now they offer the revelation that a “green blob” is forming stars. Why the reliance on these nebulous, vague phenomena? It seems that the scientists’ creativity is lagging far behind their audacity in this ongoing hoodwinking campaign...

I will report further offenses as they are perpetrated.

Great Achievements in Government: al-Shabab Bans Mixed-Sex Handshakes

2011-01-08T18:07:00.000-08:00

It appears that the Islamist group ruling over the town of Jowhar in Somalia has finally cracked down on mixed-sex handshakes. While I applauded al-Shabab’s previous ban on music, I worried that it was not enough. Thankfully, the group has come through with a firm and uncompromising measure that achieves maximum absurdity.

According to an article from the BBC, “men and women who are not related are also barred from walking together or chatting in public”. While some may have felt that the handshake ban was enough, I personally believe that these additional stipulations are essential to achieving maximum awkwardness and a meaningful reduction of natural human interaction.

The article states that the penalty for breaking the ban will “probably” be public flogging. While I’m certainly glad to see this penalty instituted, I had hoped for something more significant. I anticipated that al-Shabab might institute the death penalty or at least cut off the hands of offenders, and in fact the tentative language of the article suggests that one of these options may still be a possibility. However, even if al-Shabab passes on these options, it is good to know that there is a solid flogging penalty in place.

R.I.P. Leslie Nielsen

2010-11-29T13:25:00.000-08:00

He was a legendary comic actor and part of the greatest achievement in cinematic history. Surely, he will be missed.

Assclown Blames God For Dropped Pass, Hilarity Ensues

2010-11-28T20:40:00.000-08:00

After Bills wide receiver Stevie Johnson dropped a perfect pass (while wide open...in the endzone...in overtime...for the win), he tweeted the following message:

I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO...

Barring the sheer stupidity of the comment, I do have a small amount of appreciation for the fact that someone has taken a concept that was almost surely used in some form of satire at some time and turned it into a literal reality. However, when one breaks down the tweet, it becomes apparent that Stevie Johnson has no one to blame but himself:

I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!!

If Johnson had taken some time out of his praise schedule to practice, he might have caught the pass on game day.

AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!!

At a minimum, Johnson should have used a mixture of question marks and exclamation points here as he did after “HOW”. I don’t have any specific comment here except to refer back to my response to “I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!!”.

YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS???

I think that God, along with everyone else, expected Johnson to catch the football.

HOW???!!!

Here, I agree with Johnson that philosophical speculation into the teleological implications of dropping a pass may not yield any useful information. However, there is something that Johnson can learn, namely how to catch a football, that will benefit him in the future. For more on this I again refer back to my response to “I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!!”.

ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!!

Understandable.

EVER!!!

See previous response.

THX THO...

In a seemingly dangerous comment, Johnson appears to be sarcastically deriding God for making him drop the pass. However, if God indeed caused Johnson to drop the pass, it is already evident (and completely understandable after reading this tweet) that God hates Stevie Johnson.

So there you have it, Stevie Johnson. Either you are a complete assclown or God hates you. Congratulations.

The Milky Way is Blowing Bubbles

2010-11-11T19:04:00.000-08:00

I recently read the article Mysterious Structures Balloon From Milky Way’s Core from National Geographic. Toward the end of the article, Princeton astrophysicist David Spergel states that “further studies will be required to get at the true nature of the energy source blowing the bubbles.” Well, I’ve done the additional studies and am now prepared to accept the requisite praise and/or monetary compensation for my efforts.

Upon reading the article, several questions immediately came to mind: What’s going on here? What are the implications for our galaxy? Did the Mayans predict this? I’m not sure about the first two questions, but regarding the third, I’m reasonably certain that if I rummaged through a bunch of Mayan artifacts I could find an engraving resembling some bubbles and make the necessary inferences to get to ‘yes’.

Unfortunately, I don’t feel like writing Mayan Bubbleocalypse: Prelude to Whatever is Supposed to Happen in 2012, so I’ve decided to consider alternate theories.

Theory #1: Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga is the El Niño of our time when it comes to de facto explanations for baffling phenomena. While she is almost certainly an extra terrestrial, there are some major drawbacks to this theory. The most evident is the lack of onlookers at the core of the Milky Way. I mean, the woman wore a meat dress on national television. No, the core of the Milky Way is not an attractive destination for someone fitting the description of recording artist/attention seeker.

While this photo appears to offer damning evidence,

there are some major drawbacks to the Gaga theory.

Theory #2: Galactic Bubble Bath

I don’t have any ‘evidence’ for this one per se, but you have to admit that it sounds intriguing. “At the center of our galaxy...a world of fun and cleanliness awaits...prepare yourself...for a bubble bath...of truly cosmic proportions. Galactic Bubble Bath - coming to theaters this summer.”

Theory #3: Scientists are making the whole thing up.

You think I’m crazy? Think about it, whenever a scientist makes some kind of hypothesis, who checks it out to see if it’s legit? That’s right - other scientists! Face it people, these nerds can pull one over on us any time they feel like it.

And why wouldn’t they? From their perspective they’re looking at infinite upside. They get to sit around coming up with the craziest ideas they can and then laugh at us when we buy into their machinations. Meanwhile, everyone is like, “Oh wow, look at this new discovery that John Q. Scientist discovered with his awesome brain and so forth.”

Give me a break! I’m on to you, scientists, and now so is everyone who reads this. Admittedly, the traffic on this blog is such that I feel the scientists will be able to get away with their nefarious schemes for the foreseeable future, but at least I’ve done my part to stop their shenanigans!

Chia Obama: Heralding a New Frontier in Human Consciousness

2010-09-27T17:36:00.000-07:00

I just saw a commercial for "Chia Obama". If you're wondering, Chia Obama is in fact a Barack Obama inspired chia pet. To be honest, I haven't fully assimilated the significance of this phenomenon.

Chia Obama comes in both "happy" and "determined" varieties, although the seemingly more appropriate "Oh-my-God-what's-happening-to-me-there-are-plants-growing-out-of-my-head-please-someone-help-me terrified" Obama is not available.

As I watched the commercial, my mind exploded from the bizarre convergence of disparate information. After opening with images of American flags and enthusiastic crowds set to the familiar chants of "Yes we can!" the commercial suddenly introduces the equally familiar, yet completely out of place jingle of "ch-ch-ch-chia!". The impact was so jarring that I must now give legitimate consideration to the idea that I am writing this post in an alternate universe. In a previous post, I mentioned Terence McKenna's concept of human novelty ending in 2012. At the time, the idea seemed crazy, but after encountering Chia Obama, I'm beginning to understand.

Witness the madness first hand

Baffling Internet Phenomenon of the Day

2010-08-07T21:15:00.000-07:00

Today’s baffling internet phenomenon (henceforth referred to as “BIP”) comes from a likely source. In fact, Youtube is quite possibly the epicenter of BIPs. While I’m sure you’ve already thought of some choice videos, sometimes the comments overshadow the inanity of the videos themselves. Such is the case with the following example.

The video in question is entitled “Christopher Hitchens Farts on Live Television! Ewww!” uploaded by JQisAwesome. Now, I fully acknowledge the entertainment value of people farting on live television. I also acknowledge the marked increase in entertainment value that occurs if the person in question is British (although I’m not sure how dual-citizenship status factors into the overall comedic weighting).

HOWEVER, none of this has anything to do with why this clip was selected as the BIP of the day. The really interesting thing here is the fact that JQisAwesome has an inordinately strong desire to establish the legitimacy of the clip. I refer you to his comment:

Many people think this is FAKE. Here are 5 other clips from the same broadcast. If anyone can find me a clip without the fart noise, I will send you 1,000 dollars via Paypal. Seriously.

watch?v=8ISylK4g6UM

watch?v=SJNsWN-QGW8

watch?v=LZUPtdWyijw

watch?v=UqFyMTf-BoM

watch?v=z1LZP8OHCMA

It's real!!!!!!!!!!

First of all,

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, just consider the adamant, if not maniacal, conviction of JQisAwesome. And remember, this is all in reference to a mere fart captured on television:

He makes use of caps lock and exclamation point spamming.

He includes no less than five links (which aren’t actually clickable links - thanks for forcing me to copy and paste, JQ!) to duplicate videos.

He explicitly references the seriousness of the matter when the implicit seriousness is readily felt by all who read his words.

and to top it all off...

The psychopath offers 1,000 US dollars to anyone who can produce a video of the interview sans farting noise.

Truly, this is a baffling Internet phenomenon. By the way, do you have any comment on this issue Mr. Hitchens?

Yet Another Entertaining Non-Headline From TMZ

2010-07-29T10:44:00.000-07:00

I recently saw the following blurb on their website:

Amar'e Stoudemire -- I MIGHT Be Jewish ...

Don't break out the Manischewitz just yet ... TMZ has learned NBA superstar Amar'e Stoudemire has not found concrete evidence that proves he comes from Jewish lineage ... but he's definitely looking.   Stoudemire's agent tells us, "I know there are some reports that he is Jewish, but he is not. He thinks there may be some Jewish blood on his mother's side and he is researching it."   Amar'e -- who just signed a $100 million contract with the NY Knicks -- is currently vacationing in Israel, where he's learning Hebrew and "studying the religions there."

In addition to the baffling irrelevance of the headline, one has to marvel at the phenomenon of news that contains no information. Consider the opening statement: “TMZ has learned NBA superstar Amar’e Stoudemire has not found concrete evidence that proves he comes from Jewish lineage.” I’ve heard it said that you can’t prove a negative, but can you report one? Apparently, the answer is yes.

I wonder if Lebron James has not been to the movies lately? Perhaps TMZ should get on that. While they’re at it, they may want to follow up on rumors that Angelina Jolie is not currently involved in a high speed chase. After all, in today’s world the absence of actual news shouldn’t prevent you from randomly throwing out headlines (or blog posts...).

Mona Lisa + Duck Hunt

2010-04-23T06:51:00.001-07:00

Yes, Virginia, there is an ad called “Mona Lisa Duck”.

I know this because I received an email today proclaiming the existence of said ad with the following message:

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to inform you about our last press release regarding the first spot for the promotion of the Videogame culture made by AIOMI, the Italian Association for the Multimedia Interactive Works. I would be grateful if you could advertise and publish it on your press media and spread it with your contacts.

Dear AIOMI,

If by “publish it on your press media” you mean “post a link on your blog” then yes, I would be happy to do so. Of course, you must understand that in this context “spreading it with my contacts” means that sometime in the distant future, a single drunken music fan may stumble across the link in an attempt to find information about the band Sublime. Note that I use the word “may” because it’s unlikely that the person would actually find this website.

Sincerely,
 Me

"When in doubt, just grab the gun and start shooting." - George Bernard Shaw

That being said, I really do like this ad for the following reasons:

1) I have fond memories of playing Duck Hunt on the NES.
2) I have fantasies about walking into a museum with a Glock and shooting up priceless works of art.
3) I’m Italian.*

*This is false.

Mona Lisa Duck
Enjoy! (Godano!)

Online Hate Speech Is Awesome

2010-04-19T11:49:00.000-07:00

I recently read an article entitled Racism and homophobia in gaming: Hate speech corrodes online video game experiences. The first mistake I noticed is that the author used the word ‘corrodes’ instead of the word ‘enhances’. Secondly, it’s important to note that the vast cornucopia of racist, homophobic, xenophobic and sexist language to which the article refers is not confined to online gaming, but is rather an essential component of online interaction in general.

In fact, via some bizarre law of human nature, 99% (my estimation) of Internet conversation will eventually devolve into a communal rage-fest based on one of the following themes:

1) Your race is inferior to mine
2) Your religion is evil
3) Your country is evil
4) Your political views are synonymous with those held by Adolph Hitler
5) You are gay

Hitler, the über-reference in political feuds

Additionally, one will find a healthy dose of sexually explicit commentary littered around the Internet regardless of the original topic of discussion.

With all this in mind, let’s return to the world of online gaming. Considering the fact that people will launch into obscenity-filled tirades in response to something as benign as a Youtube video of someone making fruit salad, you can only imagine the extreme levels of hatred and anger that arise from heated online competition. In fact, you don’t have to imagine anything because the article lays it out:

One gamer told an opponent he presumed to be Jewish that he wished Hitler had succeeded in his mission. Many exchanges involve talk of rape or exult over the atomic bombing of Japan. There are frequent slurs on homosexuals, Asians, Hispanics and women.

Sounds like a good time to me! I can’t imagine why this kind of speech would be frowned upon, but apparently some people are not cool with it:

"Personally, I don't do a lot of online gaming for that reason," said Flynn DeMarco, founder of the Web site GayGamer.net, which has worked with Microsoft and other companies on steps to clean up online gaming.

No offense dude, but your website sounds kind of gay. At any rate, these psychotic gamers are adding an element of realism that hasn’t been acknowledged. For example, imagine you’re playing a World War II themed shooter. With all these people yelling anti-Semitic insults, it’s like you’re actually in Nazi Germany.

Even if the hate speech doesn’t match the environment of the game being played, it still adds that extra little bit of entertainment. In a society where political correctness is sometimes pursued to an absurd degree, it’s somehow ironically satisfying to enter a chaotic world filled with deranged psychopaths freely yelling out every manner of slur imaginable.

Taking things a step further, many people actually record videos of angry gamers flipping out and post these online, where they inevitably spawn more meaningless and frequently offensive commentary. It’s like a delicious layer cake of rage, hilarity, stupidity and frivolity.

In summary, the world on online gaming is similar to the Mos Eisley spaceport from Star Wars. In the words of Obi-Wan, “You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.” Both areas are places filled with intolerance and violence, but they also hold quite a bit of entertainment value for visitors.

Random Low-Content Post

2010-04-18T10:03:00.000-07:00

Greetings, people who read this blog. I thought about addressing all two of you via handwritten letters, but ultimately I thought this would be easier. I'm putting up a new post tomorrow, but for now I just wanted to share my groundbreaking dance remix of John Cage's landmark work 4'33". Hope you enjoy it!

4'33" (DJ Psychospaz Galactic Dance Party Mix)

Online?

2010-04-10T17:20:00.000-07:00

Background: I write articles for Demand Studios. They have an image database that writers can use to find pictures for their articles. The results of image searches are sometimes bizarre.

These are the first three images that come up when you search for ‘online’ in the Demand Studios image database at the time of this writing:

Besides the fact that they have virtually nothing to do with the search term, they are quite disturbing in and of themselves. Seeing these images, I couldn’t help but imagine that they were telling a story - not just any story, but a terrible tale of insanity and horror. You know, stuff like this:

So anyway, as we look at the first picture, we see the evil mastermind with his outdated cellphone army. He’s planning an evil plot with one of his shady conspirators. He’s also drinking something. My guess is cognac and human blood with a splash of Capri Sun.

The first piece of evidence

In the next picture, we see the super-villain further hashing out the details for whatever diabolical act he’s planning. We notice that his cellphone army has followed him to his new location, a bed with pink(?) sheets. He’s also changed into some kind of weird flower shirt.

It's getting worse...

In the third picture, the situation becomes clear. The miscreant has broken into a kindergarten classroom (as evidenced by the colorful construction paper on the floor) and is lying on the floor wearing only boxer shorts and his ridiculous flower t-shirt. Fortunately, it looks like the children escaped. (By the way, why is he still talking on the phone?!?)

Somebody call Chris Hansen!

Really, this isn’t much of a diabolical plot at all. It’s basically just your standard sicko breaking into a kindergarten classroom in his underwear. But if that’s all there is to this story, what’s the deal with all the planning, the cell phone army, the dirtiest configuration of facial hair I’ve ever witnessed? If you really consider the question, the answer becomes clear - insanity defense.